Today I received two items in my mailbox. One I had ordered; the mint green Nike Dri-Fit tank top, and a mysterious package from someone named Suzanne Atwood. Suzanne Atwood? I don't know anyone named Suzanne Atwood so naturally, I thought it was some sort of mail bomb because, you know, that's what mysterious packages from strangers always are on TV shows. Always. Every. Single. Time. Hmmmm.. who do I know that would want to kill me in a dramatic yet desperately cowardly fashion?
Failing to come up with the name of anyone that I could have inspired such a passionate, deadly response, and despite my better television-honed judgement, I opened the package. This is what was inside:
What the..? My first guess was these were some sort of quilting squares from someone that mistook me for a person with some practical, useful talent. And for some mysterious reason, they wanted me to make a really, really ugly quilt for them. Obviously, this Suzanne Atwood person, who wants me to make an ugly quilt for her is totally unaware that I don't know the first thing about sewing. Nothing. I have on occasion, used a stapler to hem my dress pants and once in a pinch, busted out the duct tape. My daughter Cassandra is the proud owner of a fistful of loose Brownie patches from back when she was in Girl Scouts. They're sitting in a neat little pile my closet because you can't staple them to the little brown vests without being on the receiving end of a bunch of shade and negative social repercussions from all "The Good Mothers."
Meh. Whatev. I do other things well. You know, things like using self-deprecating humor to dodge having to learn how to do stuff that would bore the living daylights out of me.
Intrigued, I googled up the name "Suzanne Atwood" and discovered she is the owner of a company that makes 100% organic baby products. In fact, you can order a package of these little flannel squares which incidentally are spit-up cloths, for $18 a throw. Ohhhhhhh, okay. Wait. Huh?
There must be some confusion on the part of Suzanne Atwood, or somebody, somewhere. Either that or a friend of mine has mistaken the 10 pounds I need to lose for a devastating mid-life pregnancy. And really if that's the case, why didn't they send narcotics?
Seriously? $18 for squares of flannel with serged edges? Good lord.
ReplyDelete@ Jzygail, Is that too much? Totally out of my knowledge base.
ReplyDeletehahaha...they're from me. They're the organic bamboo washcloths I have at my house. I thought you'd recognize them, or I would have given you a head's up!
ReplyDeleteOh, and yes, they seem to be butt-ugly and not at all the same ones I got when I ordered the same "girly" batch a few months ago.
ReplyDelete@ Jo, Ahahahahahahaha! Seriously? I kept thinking how I could use them because despite the wacky look of them, they are REALLY soft and seem super useful. Being a person of no domestic talent, I was at a loss. Bamboo washcloths? Brilliant! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteJust for fun, take about 6 of your bamboo washcloths, tie a ribbon around it and then try using it as a bath puff. This is what I was formerly working with - it's a big, heavy gloppy heap o' impossible.
Don't worry about the patterns - it's actually better this way. I won't horrendously guilty for ruining them when I'm washing make-up off my face.
Thanks and smooches!!
Oh, fun! I have bamboo socks and I love them, although it does concern me that someday a panda might show up and start to munch on my feet.
ReplyDeleteLove reading anything this "woman" writes. ;)
ReplyDelete...and by the way, writing "woman" in quotation marks doesn't mean I suspect this woman of being a man in drag... she's far too cute for that... just an inside joke.
ReplyDelete@ Joe, Heck, if you're going to put it in quotes, just call me a girl! ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the encouragement, friend.
You go "girl."
ReplyDeleteGawd, I've missed you!!!
ReplyDelete